Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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