You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
