You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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