I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
