watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
