Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
