If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My penis needs a shock collar
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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