What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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