Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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