i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
