it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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