Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
