a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
