You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
