The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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