You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
