Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When are your genitals available?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
