my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
