When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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