for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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