i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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