I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
