...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
