i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well I just put wine in my tea
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
