I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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