my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
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It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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