She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
