How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
