got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
