Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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