Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
