I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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