so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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