You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
