Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
