Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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