she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
