You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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