Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
