I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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