she woke up with a sticky ear
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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