Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
