he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
