matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Can Purell be used as lube?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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