So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
