Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
