I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
