Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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