I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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