so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
