wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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