my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
