I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
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Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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