She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
