i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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