We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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