Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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