My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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