Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
