I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
