dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
