I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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