she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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