i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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