Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Everyone says I win the strip club
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
