2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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